Your Heart is Only Good for So Many Beats: Health Question and Answer Session

Here's an important health question and answer session that should clear up any misconceptions you might have about food, diet and health. I wish I had seen this in time for April 1st! Courtesy of Old Man Running.



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – a coke in one hand - chocolate in the other - body totally worn out and screaming, "woo-hoo what a ride!"


Hedy Leibowitz Johnston said...

Dr. Nick (Simpsons) would heartily agree with this Q&A session!

Anonymous said...

This post reminds me of the advice I used to give my cadets whenever one injured him/her/itself.

If they would stop engaging in any form of physical exertion, then all the broken bones, sprained ankles, and pulled muscles will stop too. I live a perfectly sedentary lifestyle and have never suffered any of these self-inflicted ailments.

Daniel said...

Hi Hedy and thanks for your comment! Good old Dr. Neek--the discount heart surgeon....


Daniel said...

You had cadets who were hermaphrodites?

Just checking.


Anonymous said...

Normally I adhere to a strict policy of not commenting on other people's blog comments, but since you are "Casual Kitchen ACTUAL" in military parlance, and because you asked a direct question I think that puts us in a new and interesting grey area where commenting on comments is acceptable.

The answer to your query: I dunno. I didn't ask and they didn't tell :) But there were always a few who were androgynous, you know, appearing to be both male and female.

miss-mail said...

hahahaha! this post gives a laugh. thank you! woo hoo!