Readers: Either you'll catch the irony in today's post, or I'm going straight to that special place in hell where they put bad writers.
Our bodies and brains have developed a number of adaptations over the millennia that many so-called "food experts" and alleged "dietitians" claim are useless--and even dangerous--to the modern eater.
Bunk. Some of us out there want to eat as much as we can, as quickly as we can.
Listen, after age 25, the average person can look forward to gaining some 5-10 pounds of fat per decade. Why wait around? Furthermore, there are some 400 million obese people on the planet. That's an enormous market--more than two Brazils, twelve Canadas, or two hundred Slovenias. What are we food bloggers doing to help these people? Finally, somewhere out there is a young kid who dreams of being the next Takeru Kobayashi. What are we doing to help him reach his goals?
What we really need are some helpful tips and advice on how to eat as much as possible, as efficiently as possible, and with as little effort as possible. Here are seven tips you can put to use right now:
1) Avoid fruits and vegetables
Only a fool eats fruits and veggies. They're so high in fiber and water content and they require so darn much chewing that you'll never gain weight eating them. This is a complete waste of time and stomach room.
2) Trust Only the Highest of High-Fat Foods
High-fat food helps you in two ways--it's energy dense (meaning it contains a lot of calories per unit of volume), and it's highly palatable (meaning it requires very little chewing before swallowing). As a result, fat-laden food can be eaten extremely quickly, and because of its energy density, it allows you to inject calories into your body with stunning efficiency.
What are the best foods? You guessed it: second-order foods. Cookies, chips, cakes, store-bought muffins and candy bars are ideal because they enable you to wolf down hundreds of calories without a second thought. You can also include on this list almost all restaurant foods, most of which are engineered for maximum hyperpalatability by the evil and greedy restaurant industry. Heck, all it takes for any of these foods is a couple of swishes around your mouth--and then whoosh, down it goes! On to the next bite.
3) Speed is of the Essence
Remember, fullness occurs with a lag. It takes 20-30 minutes after you actually are full before your stomach breaks the news to your brain. Hence, those 20-30 minutes represent truly precious time during which you can eat relentlessly without your brain knowing what you're doing. If you work quickly, you'll be able to eat double the amount of food you actually need. Get going!
4) Make the Priming Reflex Work for You
Here's another one of humanity's supposedly "useless" reflexes: when we're in the presence of a large store of appetizing food, we become instinctively hungry, even if we've recently eaten a large meal. Just think how you can use this to your advantage--you can actually trick yourself out of feeling full!
5) Put Complete Trust in Your Appetite
Our appetites would never trick us into eating more than we should, right? Learn to ignore other cues from your body and listen solely to what your appetite tells you. When you're hungry, eat. Don't think so much about it. A second point: be sure to keep plenty of unhealthy foods in your home so you'll have something to get into when hunger hits you.
6) Eat Mindlessly
Don't pause to think carefully about the food you eat. Don't savor your food. Never pause at the table or eat slowly, bite by bite. There is simply no time for this silliness. Remember, you've only got 20-30 minutes. Before you know it, your brain is going to figure out that you're full. If you don't watch out, you'll happily push back from the table with thousands of potential calories left uneaten. You're wasting precious time!
7) Eat Still More the Next Day
Have you ever eaten a huge meal one night and been shocked when you wake up hungry the next morning? This is yet another opportunity! Go for it, take advantage of that hunger and get started eating all over again. You can do it!
After all, we should always mindlessly obey our appetites, right?
Readers, what "tips" did I miss? Share your thoughts in the comments!
How to Resist Temptation and Increase Your Power Over Food
Hacking the Satiety Factor of Food: How to Feel Less Hungry on Fewer Calories
The Worst Lie of the Food Blogosphere
Trusting Your Own Taste in Wine and Food
How to Master Last-Minute Meal Preparation
Make Your Diet Into a Flexible Tool
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